the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
