Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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