So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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