I can feel you judging me through the phone.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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