first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
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Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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