my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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