being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
