what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
