I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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