Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
