Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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