when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
