look no pants
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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