What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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