U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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