My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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