If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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