I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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