I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
