I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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