Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
