i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
