1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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