I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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