I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
