Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
