I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
