just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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