dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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