Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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