can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
