Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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