chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
