At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
