Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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