I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
