ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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