i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i came on her dog
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
