I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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