I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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