i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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