after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
