I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my being single is dangerous.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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