I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
