My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
