he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
