so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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