I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
