i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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