The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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