I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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