I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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