he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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