i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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