but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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